Hearts ripped

Working 3rd shift has been the norm this week and I am honestly truly being blessed because of it. It has given me time to think and focus that I wouldn’t have done otherwise.  I’m not sure exactly why this is, but I find that I have more urgency and focus at night.  Can anyone relate to that?  I do believe that I am honestly more of a night person than a morning person.  However, getting married has changed that because my wife is a morning person and we have both had jobs that start early.

But I say all that to point out that I am at this place of division.  God is working in my heart right now in many ways and a lot of things are being ripped out of me.  Yet I cannot seem to leave God’s side.  Isn’t it odd that He can rip things out of your life and you cling to Him more because of it?

I guess it is true when Jesus says when you lose your life, you will find it.

I am shocked by this reality because I feel a deep desire in my heart to stop striving in my flesh and start resting in His presence and moving in His strength and timing.  It’s better to look to His desires and fulfill those rather than go after my selfish wants.

At the urging of a few, I have been reading some Watchman Nee (mainly his collection of writings/talks, The Normal Christian Life), and I am just ruining that book with underlines and questions posted throughout.  I do believe that I have written in this book more than any other previous book.  This could be for a couple reasons: 1) I don’t like writing in books, or 2) it is just blowing my mind.  I lean towards the latter.

But Nee is really showing me how much I live for myself and out of the flesh.  And this must change.  I am praying that God would work in me to follow and live out from the Spirit.  So I have been able to look into my deep-seated thoughts and I have found some very painful things there.  Things I don’t need to hold to any longer.

God is molding me.  And He wants to mold you too.  Just give Him some time each day and He’ll change you and point out all the issues at the root of your existence.  He’ll renew you from the inside out.  He’ll truly rip out your heart and throw it out and give you a new one.

And you will be blessed because of it.


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